Strange Attractions
by Flamerist
Summary: A Crack fic courtcase between Naruto and Sasuke over the rights to their children. Contains yaoi lemons, mpreg and cussing. Don't read if this offends you.
1. Day One

A/N: Okay so this is a new story from me. It was inspired by this guy Rory shouting in Form class that he was going to make babies with me and then my friends deciding that we had to have a custody battle. In this story, I am Naruto, Rory is Sasuke, Rikkls is Tsunade, Tania is Orochimaru and Ngaio is Sai. This story has very graphic yaoi in it because I can't resist it and has pretty much no point. The point is not to be funny, but I'm trying to make it kinda funny. Also, this story's category, if I were to give it one would be chaotic artistry, as this is complete pandemonium but at the same time, slightly brilliant. Because of the graphic yaoi! POOYT! (People's Organization Of Yaoish Tendencies)

Disclaimer: I do not own any copyrighted material featured in this fanfic.

* * *

Naruto stepped into the courtroom with a huge grin on his tan face. It was all so terribly exciting! Today was the custody battle! Now he could get rights to little Miso and Yoru, and then make that overly sexy Uchiha pay child support! Then he could raise the children properly; with endless ramen! Yes! What a brilliant plan! The plan was, in fact, so brilliant that Naruto did his evil laugh. Rather loudly.

"Muhuhuhahahahahahahahaha!" The entire courtroom turned to look at Naruto who meekly sat down. Then the door to the court opened and the afore-mentioned sex on legs sauntered into the room. Then, to everyone's surprise, one of the jurors stood up and shouted.

"Guilty! He's guilty I tell you!" The raven-haired man with an exceptionally long tongue and creepy smile proclaimed cheerfully. The bailiff turned to him.

"Are you biased in some way?" He asked the oddball unconcernedly.

"Not remotely!" Orochimaru replied with an extra creepy smile but then added in an undertone: "If I break up Naruto and Sasuke, then I can have Sasuke all to myself!" He muttered gleefully to the woman next to him who was scary beyond all reason and replied with:

"And then I will rule the empire! Brilliant!" to which most of the characters were confused as Yzma really should stay in her own cartoon.

"Yes well, anyway," the Bailiff replied with a sideways glance to the obviously insane jurors. These court cases were so troublesome. "We will now hold the trial between-," He was cut off mid-sentence by the judge who had finally decided to wake up.

"Guilty!" She screamed, slamming her hammer down onto the desk. "Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!" To which Naruto's lawyer replied with a comical shaking of one of his hands.

"Penis! Penis, penis, penis, penis!" Sai screamed jovially at the rather well endowed, blonde judge.

"Uh, your honour, the case hasn't started yet. You have to wait till after the trial before declaring a verdict." Shikamaru the bailiff informed the robust judge Tsunade.

"A trial, eh? Oh, very well then. Let's get this over with so I can order his head be cut off." Tsunade replied boredly, lounging back into her chair.

"Uh, I don't think you can give the death penalty in a custody battle..." Shikamaru said quietly as the judge surveyed him with a scary look in her eye.

"Then, for Kami's sake, why the hell did you wake me up?!" She yelled before glaring instead at her gavel as it was hers and thus she had every right to glare at it. "Get on with it!" She roared at the lazy court official and the trial began.

"First witness for the prosecution, please approach the stand," Shikamaru called lethargically before settling down in a chair to stare out a window at clouds, much to Sasuke's lawyer Kabuto's merriment. He knew that putting those chair and clouds up the front would incapacitate the lazy boy. Victory would be his!

"The prosecution calls Uchiha Itachi to the stand!" Sai proclaimed excitedly as the raven haired man in the pretty cloak approached the stand and the guard asked;

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth unless of course it incriminates lord Hokage?" He asked, holding out the good book of yaoi which Itachi laid his palm on.

"I do...you bastard," Itachi replied before giggling slightly. Sai stood up and approached the stand.

"Is it true that your penis is proportionately larger than Sasuke's?" Sai asked seriously.

"Now what has that got to do with-" Sasuke was cut off by Kabuto telling him that he had a point.

"It most certainly is!" Itachi said with a smile and the jurors went wild with comments of "I knew it!" and "Well that proves it! You saw him swear on the good book of yaoi!"

"Wait a second!" Kabuto interrupted as Sai sat back down. "Didn't Itachi murder all of the Uchiha clan excluding my client? And shouldn't you be arresting him right now?"

"Overruled!" Tsunade exclaimed suddenly. "That is entirely irrelevant to this trial. I have it on good authority that Itachi is in hiding currently so this can clearly not be him. Also you don't arrest people in a custody battle, everybody knows that!" Tsunade finished with the triumphant look of an infant who has just figured out how to make a tower with building blocks.

"Defence, your witness," Shikamaru muttered, his attention still focused on those riveting clouds. Kabuto approached the stand, adjusting his glasses in the creepiest way possible.

"Mr. Uchiha, have you ever seen the other Mr. Uchiha neglect his children?" Kabuto looked triumphant, he seemed sure that Itachi could only answer in his favour. If he said yes, he would call him on it, if he said no, then that was excellent too. It was all going to work out perfectly.

"Yes I have." Itachi replied sadly.

"And precisely when did this occur?" Kabuto asked, his glasses lenses flashing.

"Well, I'd never even seen my brother hug, or be affectionate in anyway towards the children. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever even seen him with them," Itachi replied, wiping a tear out of his eye. The jury murmured in disgust and sympathy towards the obviously kind and caring uncle.

"Was that, perchance, because you haven't seen Sasuke since he was six years old?" Kabuto asked triumphantly, floating high above the courtroom in a happy bubble.

"I object your honour!" Sai yelled to the judge, popping Kabuto's bubble and sending him to the floor with a thump. "He's leading the witness and is obviously only working so hard because he's jealous of Itachi's penis size." Sai proclaimed to the judge who nodded in concurrence.

"I am not jealous of his penis!" Kabuto exclaimed angrily.

"Oh, so you admit you're only doing this case to get into Sasuke's pants!" Sai exclaimed to the shocked jurors who then began to yell abuse at Kabuho- I beg your pardon- Kabuto. No one seemed to notice that Sasuke and Naruto had left some time ago to go have sex in one of the nearby offices. Not that they missed much. Anyway, I like writing smutty boy smex, so let's go to their scene now!

Sasuke pushed Naruto back against the desk in the conveniently empty office down the hall from their courtroom. He then began to ravish Naruto for all he was worth, grinding his hips into Naruto's and rubbing their clothed erections together. Naruto had, by this stage got the corner of the desk digging painfully into his ass so shifted their positions and shoved Sasuke flat on his back on the table before straddling his hips. He grabbed Sasuke's arms and pinned them above his head with one hand and palmed the raven's erection with the other. Sasuke groaned slightly and bucked his hips.

Naruto got up onto his knees above the Uchiha and undid his orange trousers, pushing them down his legs as far as he could, and then moving so he could kick them off. He then unzipped the raven's pants, and pushed them and his boxers down his thighs to give him more leverage for later. Sasuke was sucking on two of his fingers now, rubbing his tongue over and between them seductively. He then placed them at Naruto's entrance and pushed one in, savouring the sounds his little blonde uke was making. He then shoved the other finger in and moved them in a scissoring motion. Naruto however wasn't satisfied with this and so turned around , shoving his ass in the Uchiha's face and moving to suck the raven's cock.

Now in the 69 position, Sasuke took complete advantage of the situation and began thrusting his tongue into Naruto's hole along with his fingers. Naruto hummed around Sasuke's cock, bobbing his head up and down and spreading the precum up and down its length. The two stayed like this for a full three minutes, the sounds of slurping, sucking and moaning the only audible thing. While he worked, Sasuke rubbed his free hand up and down Naruto's thighs, making Naruto's cock leak precum onto the raven's neck.

Finally, Naruto pulled the Uchiha's cock out of his mouth and the hand and tongue disappeared from his ass as he turned around and impaled himself on the raven's slick cock. Both of them moaned in extreme pleasure. Sasuke loved the feeling of Naruto's tight muscles encircling his dick and felt ready to come on the spot but he waited for a few moments until Naruto started bouncing up and down.

Naruto was in heaven. Sasuke's hard cock was hitting his prostate every time he thrust downwards, making the boy groan and moan continuously. Sasuke, too was moaning as Naruto fucked himself with the other boy's throbbing manhood. This was too much, if he didn't get control of the situation fast, he would climax before the blonde. And that was something that Uchiha's just don't do. He flipped them over; Naruto was now under Sasuke with his legs on the ivory shoulders as Sasuke thrust into him.

"Nggghhh! Harder Sasuke!" Naruto yelled as the Uchiha's thrusts hit his prostate full force. "Please! Fuck me harder!" Sasuke groaned at the boy's shouts and did as he was bid, thrusting harder and faster into the blonde. He grabbed Naruto's dick that was now pouring out precum like there was no tomorrow and began to pump it as fast as he could. Naruto's breath hitched and he bucked his hips back into Sasuke's thrusts. There were one, two, three more thrusts before Naruto came hard all over their shirts with an extended: "Saaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssuuuuuuuuukkkkeeeeeeeee!!!!!" And then a further one, two, three thrusts before Sasuke came deep within Naruto shouting:

"Naaaaaaaarrrrrruuuuuuuuttoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" as his cum leaked out of Naruto's entrance and down the boy's tan thighs. The two kissed passionately before cleaning themselves hurriedly with legal documents and fixing their clothes before absquatulating back to the courtroom covered in suspicious stains and hickeys. No one had noticed their departure as the entire courtroom was too focused on the insult battle now going on between the two lawyers.

"Your honour, Kabuto is obviously unfit to be Sasuke's lawyer as his penis is smaller that a roll of quarters!" Sai informed Tsunade with a winsome smile, who greeted this new information with a soft humming sound.

"I object!" Kabuto yelled at Tsunade who turned to him, looking slightly bemused.

"You would!" Sai screamed back at him and the juror's all nodded their heads in agreement as the two young shinobi sneakily snuck back into their respective seats.

"Yeah? Well you're a penis-crazed weirdo!" Kabuto yelled back at Sai but was booed by the jurors and Yzma screamed:

"A talking llama? He's supposed to be dead!" to which most of the jurors made concurring noises. Tsunade suddenly banged her gavel down onto the desk, making the wood creak threateningly.

"Okay, it's hot and I'm really getting sick of looking at all of you, so let's continue this tomorrow," She said with a tired sigh. Sitting behind a desk and occasionally shouting things really takes a lot out of you. And thus, day one of the trial ended in complete confusion.

* * *

A/N: So, what do you think? Trash? Good? Random? Please review and let me know if I should continue it...kay? 


	2. Day Two

A/N: Okay so this is yet another pointless chapter for those with nothing better to do than to read my useless drivel. Oh and be warned, this chapter isn't very funny at all.

Disclaimer: I don't own any copyrighted material.

Warning: Contains yaoi and cussing and other stuff that people may find offensive. That's you religious people.

* * *

"It's like rai-ian on your wedding day! It's a free rii-ied when you've already paid! It's the good advice that you just can't take and who would've thought? It figures!" Tsunade sang loudly, slurring her words together in the fashion common among 50-something-year-old drunkards. The courtroom stared at her. "You know what's funny about that song? It's so true! It's like, everything is like connected, you know?" Tsunade stared in amazement at nothing in particular as she made this amazing revelation followed by a large belch on her part and passing out with an utterance of "Hey, with the poodles already!" again on her part.

"Erm, yes well I suppose we'll just resume the trial without Tsunade-sama," the new bailiff, Shizune, said uncertainly. Sai beamed encouragingly at the lieutenant and nodded his head in agreement. "Okay, the prosecution calls Hachui Chiati to the stand." A man who was the spitting image of Uchiha Itachi, only this guy had a moustache, walked to the stand.

"What?! That's obviously Uchiha Itachi!" Kabuto exclaimed, pointing at the witness. Chiati nodded his head before receiving a violent negative motion from Sai and then shook his head sadly.

"Well, it has been remarked upon," Chiati stated calmly in a terrible imitation of a British accent. "Just as there is the elephant man, I am the Itachi Chiati." Kabuto stared at the man in disbelief.

"Chiati, that's a funny name for someone who isn't an Itachi impersonator," he said thoughtfully before he was interrupted by a laugh from Chiati.

"Hahaha! That's where I had you fooled, because it's not a ferret, it's a pig!" he exclaimed excitedly. Sai turned to Kabuto.

"Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?" Sai asked, flipping him off with one hand.

"Dude!" Tsunade yelled suddenly, sitting up. "You're totally getting your ass kicked! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Pwn3d!" Before collapsing back into her previous stupor.

"Kabuto!" Orochimaru suddenly yelled. "I hate you." Kabuto looked as if he might cry before some random midget girl dragging an orange-haired boy behind her kicked him in the head.

"Out of the way, fool!" Rukia yelled as she dragged Ichigo's body around the courtroom several times before running back out the door. A confused silence descended in the courtroom as even the insane jurors sat in a state of shock. Then the doors to the courtroom burst open once more.

"Rukia!" the small, ugly lion-teddy yelled loudly. The entire courtroom turned to look at him. Kon slowly backed out of the door muttering something about an evil book of cross-overs.

"Well, that was weird," Orochimaru stated, to the agreement of everyone else. "I mean, who's that short these days?" he demanded sadly receiving strange looks from Shizune and Kabuto, the only sane people present, it seemed. "What? You were all thinking it, I'm just saying it!" Everyone shrugged and nodded to this except for Kabuto who shook his head disbelievingly.

"This is worse than that time when he made sound ninjas," Kabuto muttered under his breath.

Flashback

"Kabuto, I made a new village all of my own! Lookies!" Orochimaru exclaimed excitedly, clasping his hands together.

"I see," Kabuto replied surveying what he assumed would be the Yorugakure. He was quickly disillusioned when he asked the question: "What is the village called?"

"Well, originally it was "When the world was flat as a pancake, Mona Lisa was as happy as a clam" but that was already taken so now it's the Village Hidden in the Sound!" He exclaimed with a large smile, turning to an exasperated Kabuto.

"How the hell do you hide something in sound?" he asked logically, but Orochimaru just made a scoffing noise. "Well, what do the ninjas specialise in?"

"I'm glad you asked!" Orochimaru said, grinning happily before clapping his hands twice. Three ninjas appeared in front of the two and each began to sing loudly and badly. Kabuto turned to his master with a blank look on his face. "I know, impressive, aren't they?" Kabuto was about to tell Orochimaru that this would never work when his master spoke again. "Now! Show us the secret torture jutsu I taught you!" The three each summoned an instrument, black clothes and side-fringes.

"Oh Jesus, god no!" Kabuto yelled as the three ninjas began to perform the fearsome Androgynous-testicle-free: Whiny emos of the dildo-fucked assholes no jutsu. Kabuto fell to his knees from the crappiness of it all, defeated by how lame his idol was.

"Aren't they great?!" Orochimaru giggled as Kabuto fell into the foetal position and began to cry.

End Flashback

Shuddering at the memory, Kabuto moved over to the corner and sat, clasping his knees under his chin and rocking backwards and forwards as gloom lines rose from his distraught figure.

"So, Chiati," Sai stated calmly. "Do you know the muffin man?" The entire courtroom stared penetratingly at the man in the Akatsuki cloak.

"The muffin man?" Chiati asked.

"The muffin man!" Sai yelled dramatically.

"Do _you_ know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?" Chiati asked and the entire courtroom gasped as one except for Tsunade who continued her drooling slumber.

"Yes that's right!" Sai yelled triumphantly clapping his hands together. "Because if Sasuke was a good father then it would be him who was saying nursery rhymes with me, not Chiati here!" The jurors looked confused but clapped happily anyway.

"Do you know what the fuck he's on about?" Orochimaru whispered to Yzma out of the corner of his mouth.

"Why did I think you could do this? This one, simple thing. It's like talking to a monkey. A big, stupid monkey named Kronk!" Yzma whispered knowledgeably back. "And you want to know something else? I never liked your spinach-puffs...Never!"

"I quite agree," Ms Conde said, nodding to Yzma and Orochimaru who shrugged at each other.

"Bringing back the balls, bringing back the balls to rock!" Tsunade suddenly sang loudly and manfully. "Next witness, I say!" Shizune sighed and shook her head before calling the next witness.

"The prosecution calls Hatake Kakashi to the stand," She stated in a voice filled with dread. The silver-haired Jounin stood up from his seat in the crowd and approached the stand. Deciding to forego the swearing on the good book of yaoi, the defence got the witness first.

"Do you think Sasuke's a good father?" Kabuto asked boredly. He couldn't be bothered trying anymore, what with all these idiots around.

"Yes, actually," Kakashi said contemplatively. Sasuke's head snapped up from where it had rested on his desk, Naruto's eyes widened in surprise and even Tsunade woke up to hear this.

"Wha'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" She demanded in surprise.

"I think that Sasuke is the best father for these children. And Naruto is the best mother. Someone may be able to teach them how to be better people more effectively than these two, but no one could teach Uchiha pride like Sasuke, and no one knows more about being a Kitsune-vessel than Naruto. These children are unique and they need the unique yaoi combination that is SasuNaru to raise them properly," Kakashi explained. Naruto had tears in his eyes and Sasuke was staring at Naruto lovingly. This was broken up by a little girl in the back of the room yelling.

"What a pile of shit!" Elizabeth yelled before running away with an invisible man with red hair clad in a green suit. The spell was broken and Kakashi decided to disappear; fast. He poof'd away and the court went back into its previous state of chaotic insanity.

"And then I was like: Wait! You can't touch me there; you're my uncle!" Everyone turned to look at Naruto who turned bright red and sank lower into his chair. As he did so, his crotch connected with something that felt suspiciously like a face. Which was ridiculous as what would a face be doing under his desk?

"Oi!" A voice that sounded suspiciously like Sasuke's whispered from somewhere that sounded suspiciously like underneath Naruto's desk. "Dobe! It's me! Sasuke! I'm under your desk!" All his suspicions confirmed, Naruto sank low enough in his chair to see that Sasuke was indeed underneath his desk.

"Well, what are you doing under there?" Naruto demanded of the boy, who just smirked and placed his hand on Naruto's upper thigh.

"What do you think dobe?" Sasuke replied with a smirk as Naruto puffed out his cheeks grumpily.

"Don't call me dobe, teme!" Naruto replied, poking out his tongue but nearly biting it as Sasuke groped him through his pants. "W-what are y-you d-ah! Doing t-teme?" Naruto was now uncomfortably hard in his pants. Sasuke smirked up at him, nuzzling his face into Naruto's crotch. He slowly unzipped the orange trousers and began to stroke Naruto through his tight-fitting boxer-briefs. Naruto was gasping and moaning lowly in the back of his throat. Sasuke undid the button securing Naruto's pants together and slowly began to tug at the mauve boxers covering Naruto's throbbing erection.

"I'm just making you happy," Sasuke replied seductively as Naruto's light dusting of golden pubic hair became visible. "Don't you want to be happy, Naru-chan?" Now the base of Naruto's erection was showing under the elastic band of the boxers. Suddenly the boxers wouldn't move any more; they were stuck, stretched as far as they would go, restrained by Naruto's ass. Sasuke slipped his hand under Naruto and lifted him upwards slightly, gripping the tight globe of muscle as he did so. The boxers came freely and now Naruto's cock was completely free of its cotton prison.

"What the fuck, Sasuke?" Naruto whispered hoarsely as Sasuke slowly started to stroke his hand along Naruto's length. After a few more strokes, Sasuke coaxed the warm organ into his awaiting mouth. Naruto gasped at the familiar feeling of Sasuke's tongue running along the underside of his cock as he suckled the head gently. Sasuke hummed lightly around Naruto, making the blonde groan softly. A few more minutes like this and the warmth, the intoxicating heat and moisture of Sasuke's oral cavern brought Naruto to his release. Sasuke swallowed the load and smirked slightly before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Naruto slumped in his seat before realising that his pants were still unbuckled and were Sai to sit back down after his furious game of Paper-Scissors-Rock with Kabuto, he would surely see more of Naruto than was strictly necessary. Surreptitiously, Naruto lifted his hips and packed away his pride and glory. When he was done, he looked over at Sasuke who was smirking triumphantly at him.

"No, YOU SHUT UP!" Tsunade screamed suddenly and banged her gavel on the desk. "You know what? You have made a mockery of my court for the last time! I sentence you to making me cupcakes!" She screamed at Kabuto, who looked both furious and exasperated.

"Ooooooh! Burn!" The jurors called as one, led by Orochimaru. Kabuto looked over at the pale man and sighed. Why the hell did he have to get stuck with the only man in the world capable of being more immature than a middle-schooler?

"I heard that!" Orochimaru yelled at Kabuto and smacked him in the face with an umbrella that he held with his creepily long tongue. "You just called me a bastard!" The jurors gasped angrily and began to hurl various objects at Kabuto who ran out of the courtroom, cursing.

"Nahnah. Nahnahnahnah. Hey, hey, hey! Goodbye!" Sai sang loudly much to the applause of the entire courtroom. Tsunade snorted awake as she had again fallen asleep.

"Okay! You know what you need?" she yelled at Sasuke who shrugged apathetically. "A dildo! No not really. But a lawyer! So we'll continue this case when you get off your lazy ass and get one! Until then, I shall entertain myself by drinking this non-alcoholic beverage made from fermented foodstuffs. I suggest you do the same." And with that, Tsunade lifted a large bottle labelled 'Sake' almost vertically and swallowed the entire contents of the bottle. She then passed out.

"Yeah? Well fuck this!" a random old lady yelled out from the crowd of people watching the trial. Thus, day two of the trial ended abruptly without any significant advancement in anything, much less the trial. Really quite a lot of pointlessness that was immature and lacked any sort of class or humour. I don't know why I bothered writing it to be honest.

* * *

A/N: So please review and tell me whether anyone liked it and if I should continue. Cause I think it's quite shit to be honest. 


End file.
